well, i had a dream a couple of weeks ago, she said, and it probably doesn't mean anything...but it really disturbed me...
she is new to the dream group...she gave a bit of background of who she is...a long journey of difficult sobriety, fighting to avoid relapses, mostly succeeding, for years at a time, recently falling back, and now re-claiming her health...she has the determined mix of many recovering folks...seasoned with the struggles of life, scared by family history, sometimes overwhelmed by how to deal with the enormous strains of changing old patterns, how to healthfully detach from generational family expectations and demands...and still do her best to love them...without losing her soul and health....she's also very humble...sometimes giving and claiming for herself grace and acceptance...
i am with my family somewhere, she begins her dream...all of my brothers and family are there, other people, too...we are at some large, beautiful home, like an estate...lots of trees and grass...it is night...i think we have had a cookout or something...i am uncomfortable with some of the people, like a brother...i am walking toward a large beautiful swimming pool behind the house...suddenly! i see my mother fall into the pool, she is drowning...i think i scream for help...one of my brothers yells at me to jump into the pool to save her...he is up on a balcony, looking down...he is far up...i can't move!! i am frozen! then my brother leaps down, dives into the pool and pulls my mother out...everybody shames me and is angry with me for not jumping in...but i couldn't...i couldn't move...i wake up feeling so guilty...
we ask questions to gently understand her dream, not analyze or interpret...she is, she explains, the one who has been the giver and caretaker of others, that she in recent months had been the one to travel over a thousand miles to give care to her aged and dying mother...and how this "threw" her into that old pattern of being expected to take over...to lose herself, her soul in caring for others...while "they", many family members just stood by...taking advantage of her...she, torn by love, loyalty and past training, giving in, at least for a while...fighting to not get lost and finally relapsing, overwhelmed...now promising herself, with anger and clarity to never give in again...
so, as we, this group of dreamers, borrowed her dream, owned it for ourselves and explored our own journeys through her journey...feeling the terror and guilt of freezing in the face of death...began to become aware of how we, too, can get lost in the needs of others...how we get trained, programed to rescue others in such a way that we will drown in their needs, losing our soul...drowning ourselves in our own version of alcoholic sorrow...
she is new to the dream group...she gave a bit of background of who she is...a long journey of difficult sobriety, fighting to avoid relapses, mostly succeeding, for years at a time, recently falling back, and now re-claiming her health...she has the determined mix of many recovering folks...seasoned with the struggles of life, scared by family history, sometimes overwhelmed by how to deal with the enormous strains of changing old patterns, how to healthfully detach from generational family expectations and demands...and still do her best to love them...without losing her soul and health....she's also very humble...sometimes giving and claiming for herself grace and acceptance...
i am with my family somewhere, she begins her dream...all of my brothers and family are there, other people, too...we are at some large, beautiful home, like an estate...lots of trees and grass...it is night...i think we have had a cookout or something...i am uncomfortable with some of the people, like a brother...i am walking toward a large beautiful swimming pool behind the house...suddenly! i see my mother fall into the pool, she is drowning...i think i scream for help...one of my brothers yells at me to jump into the pool to save her...he is up on a balcony, looking down...he is far up...i can't move!! i am frozen! then my brother leaps down, dives into the pool and pulls my mother out...everybody shames me and is angry with me for not jumping in...but i couldn't...i couldn't move...i wake up feeling so guilty...
we ask questions to gently understand her dream, not analyze or interpret...she is, she explains, the one who has been the giver and caretaker of others, that she in recent months had been the one to travel over a thousand miles to give care to her aged and dying mother...and how this "threw" her into that old pattern of being expected to take over...to lose herself, her soul in caring for others...while "they", many family members just stood by...taking advantage of her...she, torn by love, loyalty and past training, giving in, at least for a while...fighting to not get lost and finally relapsing, overwhelmed...now promising herself, with anger and clarity to never give in again...
so, as we, this group of dreamers, borrowed her dream, owned it for ourselves and explored our own journeys through her journey...feeling the terror and guilt of freezing in the face of death...began to become aware of how we, too, can get lost in the needs of others...how we get trained, programed to rescue others in such a way that we will drown in their needs, losing our soul...drowning ourselves in our own version of alcoholic sorrow...
i remembered out loud about the instinctual wisdom of the beautiful, sleek african gazelle...who survives the african prairie, survives the hunt of the fastest animal alive, the cheetah, by first, of all things...freezing...forcing the cheetah to blow her quiet stalking cover, to make the first move, not able to hide and kill... the cheetah is forced to run...exposing her stalking strategy...and the gazelle, now seeing where the danger is...explodes, darts, zig-zags...running its marathon of obstacle courses, tiring the cheetea...escaping...because, first...the gazelle knows to freeze...
freeze in your tracks!
all senses hyper-alert...the old pattern says "jump!"...
but, instinctual...wisdom...learned from scars...over seasons of seasoning...says...
freeze!
freeze in your tracks!
all senses hyper-alert...the old pattern says "jump!"...
but, instinctual...wisdom...learned from scars...over seasons of seasoning...says...
freeze!
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