she's in pain...every day it is the same...pain, deep, deep pain...it moves from her back to her neck and head, but mostly, it is the constant, excruciating pain in her back...she walks, though, not well, of course...she tenderly moves from the waiting area to my consulting room...we stop every so often to rest, she grimaces, trys to joke, trys to lighten the short walk, trys not be embarrassed... it doesn't work...she is embarrassed, always...she trys to sit, can only do so for a few moments at a time, trys to not grunt or scream or cry...today she cries...of "the bad days", as she calls them, "this is is a very bad day"...
"i want some tea", she playfully demands, and so, in 90 degree high prairie august, i turn on the tea pot...she always selects "wild berry blast"...she can't quite put the box of tea back in the basket, throws it instead, it bounces to the floor...i, clumsy therapist that i am, reflects that she seems hostile as she throws the box...this too pushy observation makes her defensive and vulnerable...she weeps, silently...says, with a smile, "i'm not hostile!" and, i reflect more...she hasn't heard from the disability folks or doctors..."i have heard from the bill collectors, they know me!"...then, she says,"i did something i shouldn't have done...i went to a trade show in rapid city last weekend...all of that time in a car and walking around looking at the displays wasn't good for me"...she misses her profession, misses her meaning, misses her joy at creating, misses her life..."so, you went to the trade show? was it fun?", i ask..."oh, yes!", she exclaims, "to see all the new products out for the next year was amazing!...but, i shouldn't have gone, i am paying for it now..." "if you did not go, what would you have done?" i ask..."nothin', nothin' ..."so it was good to go?"..."yes! but i hurt so much now..."
"what hurts most...to push yourself physically, take that journey, relieve the pain in your soul by being in your world you love and miss so much or to stay home, be isolated, still hurt, both in body and soul?"
...what price to pay to have joy in your soul?...more pain in your life? which is the greater pain? in your life for pushing? or in your soul if you do not go?
